my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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