My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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