...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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