I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
