yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Green mimosas i think yes
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't deserve a penis
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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