I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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