Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You may now shotgun with the bride
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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