we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
