i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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