Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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