My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize