I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I cut my penus on the lid.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
