Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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