Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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