Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
