Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
