i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
