Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
