Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
