Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
