I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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