tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
