Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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