The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
