she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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