I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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