Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
