This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I need to align my fucking chakras
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
