im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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