I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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