do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
