everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
be right there i have to get my cape
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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