Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
