Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
