i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
