oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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