You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
