She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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