worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
