Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
