Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
