I cannot find my penis.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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