apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
