Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
