I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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