I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
