Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
