Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
PANTIES FOUND
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
