she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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