so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
