Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
