I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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