be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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