i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
