i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
