I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
