yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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