Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
