Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
