Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
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