I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
