How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
