I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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