FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize