can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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